Curhat

I really don't know how and where to start, where to go, precisely whom should I go to when I myself don't even know what's wrong. Don't matter. Talk alone could not cure me. Advice might lead me to somewhere I don't want to be. Actually, I don't want to hear what other people say anymore. Selfish as that might be, I'm tired of hearing opinions that lead me to even deeper abyss. At least, through writing, I'm free to say what I want to say, without interruption. And it can't talk back to me.

Truth is, I really need to let this out. Just that I don't find anybody rightly enough to offer me the comfort I'm seeking for. I've kept this inside for too long with no outlet to vent out. Lest I go crazy, I throw it all in this writing. Even then, this might not be enough. This hurting feeling is rotting me from inside. Don't know, or haven't found the perfect cure for this yet. Does it even exist?

Try with all my might, this writing won't even find its intended recipient. That devastates me more. It renders me feeling so helpless. Hopeless. I really wish I had the chance to talk openly and freely, but the door is not opened. No chance is given. It's blocked completely without a slightest chance for me to speak up.

I'm tired of this game. All these mountains of hope only make the fall harder. I'm not the most well-adjusted person in this world. Hell, I'm not well-adjusted at all. It could take forever for me to get up again. And if I finally managed to get up, I might be different from what I used to be. More heartless, possibly.

Life is pre-determined by fate. Trying to live my life, trying to get what I want, I find that bending the fate to my will is so hard and fate seldom relenting to my wish. It's devastating me. Most of the times it goes against me. What I want and what I get are two different things. Why is it so? When everyone else seems like having a smooth sail, why me being like this?

Secrecy, silence and lies make me think things I shouldn't be thinking. Doubt, jealousy and fear render me becoming pathetic however much I thrive to be a better man. Hateful is something I want to get away as far as possible. I don't want to go down that road.

I want to give up, but I can't let go. I'm trying to find an escape from all of this. Everything that can distract my mind off from it is worth doing. Even by that means sitting on the edge dangling my feet over 500 meter drop down to hell. But never, while I still have a sound mind, will I choose the way out. I'm living my unworthy existence till the end, that's for sure.

I want nothing more than certainty in my life, but it's a luxury I can only pray for. It'd be good for this hurting heart to know that there is, if it exists, a clear path ahead. To know that I don't have to struggle with "it" anymore would calm the raging sea inside me. But no, that luxury isn't offered to me. Even if I try to take it by force, not only will I fail, it would hurt me even more. The worst, it will slip away from my grasp and never to return. I can't live with that, yet. For now, the knowledge of it could no longer be there will kill me. Soulless.

I want to get away from all of this already, I am finally surrendering completely. Utter failure. The events that will unfold in near future, I wish will be blessings in disguise. I pray for it. May it all turns for the better.

May the distance does the best for all of us.